I really stink at writing blog posts consistently

So this year has gone by... just way too fast. I mean I barely wrote any blog posts on here, I spent a lot of time in hospitals, I actually got to go back to school and take classes, and I was doing so good until the past few weeks. It's been such a frustration not being able to do what I want to do, and to have to make difficult decisions concerning my future. 

Because of my health the past few weeks, I have decided to take the spring semester off, and continue my education in the fall. My plans are still to transfer to LCU, which I'm excited about. It's just hard to wait. 

Since we really can't go any further in finding out how to fix or control my situation with my pain, we've decided to find somewhere that will help me handle and deal with my pain, since I can't control it. We're hoping to find a pain treatment center that will give me tips and tools to help me deal with my daily pain. Not only will this center help me with the physical pain, but the emotional as well. I can't even begin to describe the emotional roller coaster I've been riding for the past two years. It's had it's up and downs, curves and twists, and then of course, the corkscrew. The worst of it all. When you feel like everything is just crushing you and pulling you down (just like on a real roller coaster. I hate the corkscrews! It's so hard to breathe!). 

Anyways. If there's one thing I've learned from the past two weeks, it's this: Just because (a lot of) things don't go your way right now, it doesn't mean something good won't happen in the future. It's frustrating when life seems to be looking up and then it all goes downhill for the 6382632th time. It makes you want to just give up for good. Just stop trying. But that's exactly what Satan wants and you can't give in! He will do all he can to make your life miserable. But it's only if you let him. 

Sure, I'm disappointed that I'm not going to Lubbock next semester. But I know that good will come out of everything we are going to be doing this coming year to help handle and live with my pain. 

Peace and love, 

Jenae

Skype can be amazing!

This video is absolutely touching. Just watch it. :)


Skype Reunion



Peace and love,
Jenae

I am angry at God.

Last week in Bible we talked about something very close and personal to me. Being angry at God. Is it okay to be angry at God? Do we have a right to be? Habakkuk, David, Job, Jonah, they all were angry at God, yet God was there for them even when they were so angry.

I'll admit it. I am angry with God. I've been angry with God for a long time now. I've accepted that there's nothing I can do to fix what's going on in my life, and we've done everything we can medically, so now I have to learn to live with what I've got. But that doesn't mean that I'm not still angry with God. It's the question that everyone asks, How could He let this happen to those who try to follow him whole-heartedly and try to do everything they can to do His will? Why do bad things happen to good people? And why won't He stop it?

I wrote the following paragraph a couple of months ago, but I never finished and published it. I remembered it when we talked about it in Bible last week, and I wanted to share it.

I am angry at God. I'm upset. I'm bitter. I'm disappointed. I'm tired. And the same question keeps popping into my mind: Why does God let us suffer so much and for so long and still expect us to follow and love Him unconditionally? I mean why can't he just snap his fingers and heal me? What am I supposed to learn from this? I've lost everything because of my sickness and I feel like I've reached rock bottom. My sickness controls my life, and it's killing me. I can't do anything anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. Everything just hurts. I don't see the point in trying if nothing will come from it. How am I supposed to live like this? How do other people live like this? Why did this happen to me? What am I supposed to learn from this? Everyone keeps telling me, "Oh you'll have a story one day that will help someone else going through something similar to this." Well, that's great and all, but what about right now? All I want to do is help people but it seems like every time I get the chance to, my sickness gets in the way... My sickness controls my life. Whether I want it to or not.

I am angry at God. But even though I am, I know I'll be able to help somebody some day. I hope I'm able to help many people while I'm on this earth. I want more than anything to help people get through their struggles, especially if I can understand what they're going through.

I am angry at God. But do I have a right to be? I don't know the future. I don't know why my life ended up like this. But He does. And He knows what I'm going to do with my life. I don't. I mean, I know what I want to do with my life, but by no means do I know how my life will really turn out.

I am angry at God. So to answer my first questions, yes, I believe it's okay to be angry with God. But do we really have a right to be? I don't think so. He has known our entire life story before we were even in the womb. Before we were even a thought. We should trust that whatever is going on in our life, it isn't for nothing. Even if it has no significant reason that would altar the future, God wouldn't let you suffer for nothing. I know all these reasons are cliche. "There's a reason for everything", "Trust in God no matter what", "He knows what He's doing", etc.

I am angry at God. And I don't believe it's wrong to be angry at God. I don't and may never understand why I've suffered the way I have, but I guess I need to realize that He actually does know what He's doing with our lives. He knows everything.

Psalm 139:1-18

1 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.  

2 I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you 

know what I'm thinking. 3 You know when I leave and 

when I get back; I'm never out of your sight. 4 You know 

everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence.  

5 I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're 

there, too - your reassuring presence, coming and going. 6 This 

is too much, too wonderful - I can't take it all in! 7 Is there 

anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight?  

8 If I climb to the sky, you're there! If I go underground, you're 

there! 9 If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon,  

10 You'd find me in a minute - you're already there waiting!  

11 Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark! At 

night I'm immersed in the light!" 12 It's a fact: darkness isn't dark 

to you; night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.  

13 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in 

my mother's womb. 14 I thank you, High God - you're breathtaking! 

Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration - what 

a creation! 15 You know me inside and out, you know every bone in 

my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was 

sculpted from nothing into something. 16 Like an open book, you 

watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life 

were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before 

I'd even lived one day. 17 Your thoughts - how rare, how beautiful! God, 

I'll never comprehend them! 18 I couldn't even begin to count them - any 

more than I could count the sand of the sea. Oh, let me rise in the morning 

and live always with you!
[The Message]

I am angry at God. But I know that being angry isn't going to make my sufferings go away. It isn't going to help anything. But it's so hard not to be angry.

I am angry at God. But because it's pointless to be angry... why be it?



Peace and love,
Jenae

The iPhone never lies

This post is a little less serious and a little more day to day lesson learned.

So today I wake up late (of course) and I'm struggling to get ready as quick as I can, without looking like I just woke up, to get to my 8:00. Granted, it was 8:15, so I was already late, BUT I didn't want to be anyMORE late than I already was. I knew it would be cold today, so I was dressed warm, jeans, Columbia jacket, scarf, the whole sha-bang. But I looked at my weather app on my iPhone just to make see how cold it really was. "39 degrees and showers". Showers? It was raining?! Well, if my iPhone says it's raining then it MUST be true. So I roll up my jeans, put my "rain TOMS" on (They're my black pair of TOMS that I don't mind getting wet, because I know it won't ruin them since my other pairs I did myself using sharpies; and, obviously, rain would make the ink bleed) and I was on my way. I get outside, NOT RAINING. Okay so my ankles are freezing now, so I roll my jeans back down, look at my iPhone, and it just says, "cloudy". Seriously?!

The (somewhat silly) lesson here: the iPhone does lie, and sometimes you have to roll your jeans back down.

Hope this gave you a laugh, or, at least made you chuckle a little bit because of how pointless this post was.


Peace and love,
Jenae

Entertaining angels

So in the past two weeks, I have had surgery on both sides of my head to cauterize both of the occipital nerves. Safe to say it has been pretty interesting. But on the bright side, my Occipital Neuralgia has been a lot easier to endure, which in turn makes my Fibromyalgia easier to deal with as well!

I want to tell you a story. It is another story of the ER, but this one is special. I truly believe God sent an angel to look after me Thursday night when I was in the ER.

Thursday night, my head was just... I mean, I was in agony. Normally the waiting room isn't too full, but when we got there, it was packed (We ended up waiting an hour and a half before getting back to a room). I was crying, writhing in pain and I could do nothing about it. So a homeless man walks in, carrying a sleeping bag, a bag, and a few other small things. He sits down in the chairs diagonally across from us and sets his stuff down. He sees me crying, stands up, walks over to us and looks at me and says, "What's wrong with you?" (sort of in a "Wow what's wrong with you you look horrible" kind of way). When I'm in this state, I can't really talk or answer questions so my dad answers it for me, and tells him about my severe nerve pain. He just says he's sorry and then he asks a question that I really wasn't expecting. "Do you believe in God?" I looked up at him, still crying, and just said, "Yes, of course I do, very much so." And he says, "Well good, because you know, He can do anything, and, well, even though I have nothing *he points over to his things* I mean that's all I have! But I still believe in Him, because He's strong, and He makes me strong. Can I pray for you?" I nodded and said, "Of course, I'll take as many prayers as possible. Prayer is amazing." So he puts his hand on my shoulder, and says, "Do you mind if I say the Spanish prayer over you?" I said yes and he started praying. I could only catch a few words such as "Father", and "girl", and "heal". He talked very fast and got louder and louder as he went on, and I could tell the whole waiting room was starting to stare. I didn't care though, I could feel God's presence in there with me. When he was done, I just said thank you over and over, and he went and sat down with his things. I continued to cry, and I could hear him praying to himself. After a few minutes, he got back up and came over to us. He took something out of his pocket and said, "I've had this card for many, many years. I've prayed with this card in the darkest of times in my life and God has answered my prayers. He has kept me strong, even though I have nothing. But I want you to have it, because you need it more than I do. Please keep it and pray with it. It's very special to me but I feel like God sent me here to be with you and pray for you. Please keep it." He handed me the card, telling me he would continue to pray for me, and then he just left. He didn't even need help. He wasn't there for any sort of medical treatment, he didn't use the phone, the restroom, the vending machine, nothing.

Many times we look at these people and immediately make a judgmental thought, whether we realize it or not. I know I did when I first saw this man. Today as I was talking with my parents, we brought up the verse Hebrews 13:2, "Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it." I truly believe that God sent this man that night.

This is the card that he gave me. And I will keep it forever, as a reminder that God sends angels in rough times in our lives. At times when we feel like we have hit rock bottom.

Thank you God, for sending me an angel.


Peace and love,
Jenae

From a wildcat to a chap!

This year has been so incredibly crazy (Obviously). It's been probably the longest year of my 20 year old life. But at the same time, I can't believe it's mid-October! I mean I'm almost through with this semester and I feel like I just started!

I was beyond happy when I was finally able to return to school. I FINALLY could have a life again! I didn't have to stay in my house all day doing nothing. I could be around people again, and meet NEW people and just be involved! ...Little did I know how difficult it actually would be.

It definitely was a shock the first week of classes. When I walked to my Art class the first day of school, I was completely out of breath! It's not that far of a walk, but I hadn't exercised since before April. Sooo... walking across campus was definitely not an easy task! Also, when you've been in your house for six months, trying to be social can be a bit of a struggle. You almost forget how to be around people! It's like learning a language in high school and then never using it. You remember most of the main words but it's all the conjugating that gets you. So, readjusting to college life has been difficult. But I don't regret coming back one bit!


Okay, so side note (stay with me). From probably middle school to high school, I wanted to go to Lubbock Christian. My dad taught there, he got his Masters there, I grew up going to Encounter and Camp Champion when my dad was a Youth Minister, and I lived in Lubbock until I was six years old. But my senior year of high school was when I first got sick, and ACU seemed to be the ideal choice; and honestly, it was easier. Don't get me wrong, I love ACU and it has been a huge blessing to me! But sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice, and for the right reasons. It turned out to be a good thing that I stayed in Abilene when I started having my really bad pain episodes. If I had left Abilene, I probably wouldn't have been able to complete my first semester. Granted, it wasn't easy; but being in the same town as my parents and having them here to take me to the ER or get into doctors was definitely a blessing. If I had gone to LCU, I definitely wouldn't have been able to stay in school as long as I did.

So now here we are, almost two years after it all started. I've been doing some heavy duty thinking and praying this semester. And I've decided that it's time for a change. I'm planning on transferring to LCU this spring! I love the ACU community, and I'm going to seriously miss my friends like crazy. But whether I like it or not, there is a lot of hurt, bitterness and anger associated here in Abilene. Not at anybody, but at my situation. I need to be somewhere that I can be myself. Not the girl who has been sick for two years. I want to be somewhere that people don't know what I've been through and don't look at me like I'm just a fragile soul that is about to break if something bad happens. I have loved all of the encouragement and prayers from everyone, and I can't even begin to say how blessed I am and have been by everyone here (and even those not here!). But I just need a fresh start. I want to be treated like there's nothing wrong with me. I don't want people to assume that I can't do something because of my illness, because most of the time, I actually can do it! But I just don't get the chance. LCU will be this fresh start for me. I'm so excited to start this new chapter in my life and all I can do is ask for your prayers and love as I make this transition.

It wasn't an easy choice, but after many prayers and talking with my parents and friends, I realize that it's the best thing for me. I need to move on, and I can't do that here. I'll still be in Abilene a lot because I'll have my doctors' appointments, which is good because I've become such a homebody. I love spending time with my parents, and honestly it'll be difficult at first not being able to just run home and see them. But I know this will be good for me.

Thank you all for everything you've done for me! I love you all.
Peace and love,
Jenae

John Luke is just as awkward in person as he can be on Duck Dynasty.

So this past weekend my family got the opportunity to attend a banquet fundraiser put on by Fort Worth Christian Schools. The special guest speaker was - wait for it - Willie Robertson! If you don't know, I'm a HUGE Duck Dynasty fan. My whole family is, actually. My parents and I watch it every Wednesday night and can't help but fall more in love with this family every time. They're not your normal reality TV family.

So we got to be in what was called the "receiving line", which was basically a chance to get to meet and shake hands with Willie, Korie, John Luke, Sadie, Will, and Bella! It was so cool to be able to meet these people in person! I wanted so badly to be able to take a picture with them, but apparently you had to pay like $500 to be in the picture line, and... yeah. But I rebelled and took a selfie with John Luke in the background. ;) We watch them on TV and think, "Oh they're just overacting. There's no way they're like that in real life." And I do agree with most people who say the show is pretty scripted. I mean, they give them a scenario, but these people are exactly who they are on the show. Willie is outgoing, Korie is gorgeous and so sweet, John Luke is awkward and SO adorable, Sadie is so cute and just all around a genuine person, Will is shy and quiet, and Bella is just a sweetheart! Willie shared different stories about his life, and talked about how there's no way that they would be where they are if it wasn't for God. HOW COOL is that? He didn't give any glory to himself, or Phil (okay maybe a lot to Phil), but he just said over and over that GOD is the one who gave them all the success. I just think that's awesome. After he talked, the whole family did a Q&A session. That was definitely fun! Kelly Moore (the president of FWCS) asked John Luke and Sadie about college, and Sadie said she's definitely going to Harding. John Luke didn't answer... But I heard that he might be coming to ACU for a tour, so wouldn't that be cool! But I imagine he'll choose Harding, you know, because of family legacy there and all.

So not only did I get to meet my favorite TV stars, but one of my all time favorite Christian artists was there too! Josh Wilson! And he's just as amazing live. And I got to meet him afterwards and take a picture with him! And I got his CD and he signed it for me! It was so awesome.

So what's the lesson here?
1. John Luke is definitely just as awkward in person as he can be on the show. But he's also just as adorable!
2. Along with that, not all famous people are two faced or act differently in person. Some people can be genuine and real. The Robertsons are prime examples of that!
3. Sometimes "gourmet" food isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Here are some pictures from the banquet!